I Return It

2.14.11

You have given it all to me. To you, Lord, I return it. Everything is yours; do with it what you will. Give me only your love and grace. That is enough for me.  ~St. Ignatius of Loyola

I’m still here and in the race! I took some unplanned time to regroup. I needed to regain focus on my priorities. My temperament is to go all out or nothing. I’ve been diligently and prayerfully addressing this weakness to rid myself entirely of this vice. Nonetheless, it is deep rooted and comes to the surface when I commit to a new exercise, spiritual or physical.

During last week, I was able to see in what ways I have been wrong order since committing to this journey.

  • My formal prayer life became secondary and began to waiver. I began to covet my “free time” and would exercise first so that I did not miss the opportunity. I do acknowledge that my daily life is a prayer and I seek to remain constant in prayer during all I do. However, I need my formal prayer time to better serve Him.
  • My school day was dictated by my exercise plan. My school day has not been back to “normal” since the birth of baby G. I’m called to regain order in all areas of my life, especially this area.
  • My mood was altered by the numbers on the scale. I weigh daily. It is a great way for me to regulate what is working and not working. It helps me not to let the weight creep back. I consider it an equivalent to a daily examination of conscience. The practice in itself, is not bad, it’s my response to the results. A gain or loss, I will offer it all for the intentions of Our Blessed Mother. I will make the necessary changes in my daily exercise & eating plan but I will not take the joy of a loss or defeat of gain for myself.
  • My time was monopolized by inputting the numbers into the computer. This was extremely helpful for me to regulate my eating but it is not conducive to my current state, need to mother and HS 5 children. I plan to keep a paper journal throughout the day and input at noon and post dinner.

Dad and I are recommitted to this journey. We will pick up at week 6 of the program. Rose and I will be at week 11 – MT. I’m going to work through the pain in my foot (even if it means that I wear shoes). Hopefully, I haven’t loss too much muscle and can get back on p90x without too much difficulty.

This journey is much more to me (and my family) than just physical. We all have accepted the call to stretch ourselves – to commit and stay committed. We pray that He make us new!

Everything is yours; do with it what you will!

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I can relate to having a wrong ordered relationship with food. I’m not sure how I got to that point since I never had I weight issue before having children. Regardless, I seek to make it right ordered.

I started my shift in thinking of food for its true purpose about a year ago when I attend an Ignatius retreat. I was renewed to give it ALL to Him. Since then, I have attempted to see food as fuel. I would not but coffee in my car’s gas tank and expect it to run. Why should my body be any different?  My body is a gift and temple.  I must glorify him with it.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with socializing over a meal. However, if there is a wrong-ordered relationship with food then I believe socializing around a meal should be avoided. Just the same as an alcoholic should not be socializing in a bar. I had to remove myself from such instances until I could better relate to food as fuel. I adopted a practice of the Missionaries of Charities, for the times that socializing with food could not be avoided – do not eat in public. That’s right, they do not eat in public and at times, I will not eat in public. I’m forced to plan ahead and gain control of what I consciously put into my mouth. Many of my sacrifices are centered on food.

I was reminded of my poor relationship with food last year (about a year ago to this date). My family was invited to celebrate the birthday of a friend/Priest/Spiritual Director. There was lamb with the complete spread. I’m drooling as I type. I watched Father accept what he was served and politely decline seconds. There I was, inhaling my food as though I hadn’t eaten in weeks, and then eagerly going back to the marinated tomato salad, grilled bread and roasted potatoes. As I reflected, post dinner, I was humbled. Here was a grown man eating less than me. This was a meal he had requested and still he refrained from indulging. Father clearly exemplified a right order relationship with food. He enjoyed a delicious meal in a social setting so as to fuel his body and partake in fellowship. (Disclaimer: I was pregnant at the time of the meal.)

I often put myself in the Lenten season when I approach food. 2009 was my first year that I could completely follow the laws of fasting during Lent. Prior to then, I was always pregnant or nursing during Lent. That year was radically different. I experienced a miscarriage a couple of months prior to Lent. I was raw and desired to be transformed and renewed. I fasted according to tradition the entire Lenten season. It was all by His grace.

My loss and daily discomforts were nothing, are nothing, in comparison to His sufferings. Yet, when offered back to Him, I trust that they are perfected and pleasing to Him.

Give me only your love and grace. That is enough for me. 

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